Pirates in Love: Eduardo's Line

Pirates in Love: Eduardo Line

It's time to sail the sea of love, the tagline says.
Who the fuck thought that was a good tagline.
Seriously? Where's a water bed for wanking
on when I need it.

Available for iphone and probably ipad maybe I don't know?

This was the first otome game I played.

Well, no that's a lie. This isn't the first otome game I played ever, but it's the first one I played recently, and it was as I was telling my friends about the plot to this one that they were like "holy shit Maq you should make a blog" so I made a blog (that is currently only read by said friends as well as a bunch of Russians. Hey Russia, waddup?????)

But anyway, you can tell it was my first one I'd played on my iphone and in recent memory because I took a thousand screenshots:

Ya, damn bar! Use that line on your friends.

I say a thousand. I really just mean thirteen. But y'know, since most of these reviews contain five, this will be a PICTURE HEAVY REVIEW.

The Engrish on this one is really good, if you can't tell.

So anyway, the opening of the game is you're a bar wench in a bar when SUDDENLY two dudes try to rape you (what a way to start an otome game). You get your darling ass beat when some dashing ass pirates burst in and save the day.

They tell you to run, so flee you do. The dudes who are trying to rape you (god fucking damn that plot point I hate rape as plot point so much god damnit) keep chasing you so you dodge sideways and climb into a barrel and hide from them. Only then you get hit on the head in the barrel and pass out. And later you wake up and it turns out you're on the pirate ship of the guys who saved you OH WIMSY!!

WIMSY!! FEEL THAT FUCKING WIMSY!

So long story short we're romancing this fucker:

All of that sentence was basically spot on to describe him.

His name is Eduardo. He's the first mate. He's an asshole.

Now, I'm super sorry if I get this line all messed up because this is a long ago memory but lets see if I can remember what went down.

So it all turns out that the pirates you're with don't really rape and pillage like pirates do, no, they're pretty nice guys as far as things go. Which, I mean, I guess that makes sense because if you were to romance real pirates it might not be as romantic as otome games really call for. But whatever.

One night your boat is invaded by some other pirates, lead by Captain Alan. Along with them is Fuzzy, the only other female you'll really meet in this game. One thing I can tell you is 1) Fuzzy has the best faces, 2) Fuzzy is a larger woman and 3) Fuzzy takes no shit. Also, Fuzzy is an incredibly sexy dancer, but I get ahead of myself.

Fuzzy is in the pink. (Obviously).

Proof Fuzzy makes the best faces.

 So the two fight and no one really gets hurt but everyone decides they're going to go after this mystical treasure because you're fucking pirates that's what you fucking do. Turns out that the map to the treasure is on the frozen wastes of the island of Ice or something. Maybe the island is called something ridiculous, like Ice-atron. The important thing is that there's an Island of Ice and it's cursed and your crew thinks it's deadly but YOU NEED THE MAP so you volunteer to prove you're not useless and Eduardo has to go with you.

So you guys go, and Eduardo calls you an asshole. And then your boot is pulled off by the wind and carried through the air ?? so Eduardo calls you an asshole again and retrieves your boot and then you fall into a cave and TURNS OUT the map is there but there's a blizzard going on so you have to stay in the cave so you cuddle in the cold.

And he calls you an asshole again.

But you eventually get back to the ship and then it turns out that your ship was damaged by the cold and so you guys have to go and get it repaired. While you're in the city in a market, you learn about the...fuck, I can't remember they're names. We'll say the BROWN EYES versus the HAZEL EYES. The Brown Eyes currently rule and the Hazel Eyes are the natives who have been run off or now serve as slaves and also there was this former emperor guy who loved the hazel eyes and erased prejudice by enacting laws but the current emperor is a douchebag or something.

So some BROWN EYES harass a HAZEL EYE and you yell at them so you're sent to jail and they find out you're one of the Sirius pirates. So they decide they're going to execute you! One of the HAZEL EYE servants delivers you a note that says "Don't worry we will save you - E" and then you're lead out to the yard to face execution.

AND THEN LO AND BEHOLD EDUARDO SHOWS UP, GRABS YOU, SPINS YOU AROUND, AND SHOOTS BITCHES.

Your hair was never that color so I don't know whose hair that is to the left.

 So Eduardo rushes you off while the other pirates hold back the guard. There he reveals his terrible past, that is, he was the son of a BROWN EYE and a HAZEL EYE and also the BROWN EYE is this ADMIRAL people have talked about (only it turns out he's the emperor who was totally cool okay and you tell him that) and also his mom didn't want him to come by or something and she's dead now and blah blah blah.

Anyway, he takes off his eyepatch and reveals why he keeps one eye hidden and it is because it is the SAME COLOR AS HIS FATHER'S only like it's not really that much different from his revealed eye:

Click this. Seriously. Practically the same color.

So ya'll basically make it home to the ship and then you talk about everything for a while and try to convince Eduardo that like...his father really did do nice things and he finds some letters from his mother to his father or father to his mother which he reads and finds out that his father was in fact not an asshole or something and blah blah blah.

Eventually he gives you a necklace his mom had given to him before she died and it's a gorgeous jewel or something.

The necklace!!!

So you guys eventually end up going to the SKULL PLACE which is where the treasure is and it's there of course you uncover that the son of the royal family would show up and take back the treasure and reclaim what was his and of course Eduardo is a child of the HAZEL EYE royal family and his mom was queen and blah blah blah the glowing necklace reveals the treasure people take the treasure the island starts sinking and you escape.

And then you and Eduardo get married and he wears a stupid little navy outfit the end.

Also there's a point where you and Fuzzy are kidnapped by slavers and have to work in a strip club except you escape before any of that becomes obvious and Fuzzy handles it also Fuzzy joins the crew???

Seriously, look at this dumbass outfit.

SCORES

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: 2: Seriously. The most NSFW this gets is Eduardo kisses your throat once and calls you asshole. The idea of sleeping with him in bed doesn't even come to the protagonist's chaste pure mind until the end.

--

Graphics: 8: Eh, nothing horrible, but nothing that made me die of awe.

Gameplay: 7: It's a regular dating Sim, but you get three choices, and your choices will tell what ending you'll get.

Story: 8:  It's kind of ridiculous, and nonsensical, and really doesn't make sense, but at least they give you more than just a simple A-plot, and it did make me laugh.

Fun: 7. I admit I got most of my laughs laughing at the godawful plot. Otherwise it's all right I suppose?

Overall: 30 / 40 --  C

What an asshole.

Magical Diary: Grabiner's Line

Magical Diary

Meet four of your potential dates!

Costs money (I don't know how much--a friend got it for me as a gift for my birthday. MY FRIENDS HELP ME WITH MY HABIT! Thanks Ann!), but can be played on Mac, Linux, PC.

This time around I played it on my Mac (upon realizing you could play it on Mac) and things went much better in character creation:

Check Checkit.

I NO LONGER HAVE TO START MY NAME WITH MARY SUE YAY. So meet Avery Johnson. I'm also going to cheat with her, because god damnit there's a python console so I'm going to use it so to see some alternate things I otherwise didn't well manage.

But mostly she's going to be focusing on black magic.

Before I go on, I realized I never actually showed pictures of your roommates Virginia and Ellen:

They're both actually sport (because you're in the Horse Hall).
Virginia on left, Ellen on right.

 And on that note, since I remembered this round, I want to show how this game is better than 99% of dating Sims. Presented without further comment:

Do you see that? Not only is this dating sim telling you that enthusiastic consent is a must, but it's also going into gender issues. This is officially one of my favorite dating sims ever now. And that's not going into the stuff I've otherwise heard about -- like that if you date Virginia (who I will get to when I do that playthrough), she lets you know that she is asexual and THAT'S TOTALLY COOL

Like seriously. In a world of dating games where it's like "OH LET ME GET YOUR BAG FOR YOU ARE WOMAN AND WEAK" and "LOL PERIOD JOKES," this is absolutely fucking beautiful.

Anyway so, on to the actual point of this. DATING! Professor Grabiner:

Yeah. He's your Professor. But like..it's...less weird then you think it would be? Like, god, I feel weird saying that, but I honestly have to say that of all the lines I've done so far (Three: haven't yet talked/written about Donald's) this is my favorite, because it's a slow developing thing. And I like those.

Also, I have a thing for older grumpy guys. What can I say?

This is how you win dates.

So to date Grabby you have to first be a treasurer. And one day, on your way to do your duties, you come across this:

DATING!

whereupon you get the choice to charge in and save him or find help. If you select to charge in, you end up married to Grabby. (Because the monster can't hurt him because he's of the Grabiner blood and you charge in so the monster can hurt you and so Professor Potsdam charges in and says you're engaged so to fool the demon you have to actually become married).

The wedding is hysterical:

Uhh, I know I'm being pretty unexciting about this but I got a ton of photos.

OKAY SO BASICALLY YOU GET MARRIED, GRABINER IS PISSED. You go through your classes, no one finds out except Minnie Cochran the class president because you needed a witness aside from Potsdam. You and Grabiner slowly talk to each other a little bit and slowly grow to open up a bit to each other, and it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort.

The day after your marriage!

You end up having to send yourself a valentine:

trolololol

And there's one moment pretty subtle at one point, where -- after all this time, you've been calling him sir and Mister Grabiner, and he's been calling you Miss [your last name, in my case Johnson], and then this happens:

And when this happened I stopped rapidly hitting my space key.

And I squealed, because it was literally the first time he'd said my first name and it was fucking THRILLING. And he goes on to say you no longer have to call him sir:

like I seriously got so delighted here.

Also, this made me laugh:

BUT LONG STORY SHORT.

I love Grabiner's story line. It was incredibly well done, it was pretty damn classy, and I appreciated how it went about everything.

And finally in the end, your character calls Grabiner out on his bullshit, and notes she's grown to care for him, he admits similarly, the marriage stays on though you guys plan on taking things very slow.

Honestly, the only disappointing moment is that this is
just a palette swap of every other kiss in this game.

SCORES

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: 5: Eeehh. Copying my Damien line rating: I'm honestly really wibbly on this rating. They discuss sex. In several of the classes they discuss sex too -- the headmaster talks about safe sex, noting it's fine to have relationships, just take care of yourself and talk to her if you need help getting protection. There's discussion of androgyny and intersexuality and genders and it's all treated rather well, and you can romance guys or girls (and demon changeling dudes as well obviously).  So I'm rating it on lack of sexual content, though the discussions are WELL DONE as far as dating sim games go. So take that for what you will? Would I say they're flawless? Never. But incredibly well done.

--

Graphics: 6: Nnngh, most of the graphics are kind of awful, I won't lie. But there's a sort of charm to them that I appreciate? I mean, sure, all the faces look exactly the same, but it makes up for it by letting me make my own character.

Gameplay: 10: I fucking loved playing this game. I liked figuring out how to balance my stress levels with my school levels. I liked the little dungeon mini games where you had to sort out what magic would be best. It was fucking fun. Like, seriously, the magic system was fun -- sure it wasn't often used, but it WAS fun. It was a breath of fresh air.

Story: 10:  For all my laughter at it above, it really did pull me in because it seemed like everything I did mattered, and all the characters had their own stories and lives going on that I may or may not be involved in. I loved it.

Fun: 10: INCREDIBLY fun.

Overall: 36 / 40 -- I DON'T CARE IF THIS WAS AN A- I LOVED THIS LINE A++++

Magical Diary: Damien's Line

Magical Diary

Meet four of your potential dates!

Costs money (I don't know how much--a friend got it for me as a gift for my birthday. MY FRIENDS HELP ME WITH MY HABIT! Thanks Ann!), but can be played on Mac, Linux, PC.

So I saw that Ann had sent me this game, and I didn't really look into it, and I opened it up and was like "this looks like it's going to be short" but nope, this game is goddamn intense. I started at like 11AM, I finished up about 7PM, that's how hardcore this damn game is. BUT I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

I think my honest-to-god favorite part of this whole damn game is that you can create your own character. Here's how the character creation screen starts out:

OH SHIT SON A CHARACTER CREATION SCREEN WUT WUT

So you don't have many choices. Also, there was a glitch on my desktop (normally I do shit on my laptop or iphone when possible) where I couldn't backspace. But after much fidgeting about I finally got things sorted and...

well, I still couldn't backspace. And I misspelled my characters surname. So it ended up being the weirdest fucking name ever but:

LO AND BEHOLD OUR HEROINE EVERYONE.

MaryGinny SuePresecott. I was too lazy to recreate her after that point. So we continued on. I quickly began to emulate Ginny after a Moros I played once (look don't ask, it's a tabletop roleplaying thing similar to Dungeons and Dragons and you don't want to get me started.) So in this game, you play for literally a whole two semesters--a full year of schooling from September to the end of May!

During this time, literally EVERYTHING YOU DO CAN EFFECT EVERYTHING. You go to class on one day you may encounter someone but if you don't go to that class that day then you won't meet them that day and so a later thing may not be triggered and AAAH IT'S SUPER FUCKING INTENSE

So on to the important part: since my character I based MaryGinny SuePresecott on liked teh bad boiz she went after the baddest of dem boiz:

This is as hot and heavy as it gets, really. I mean, in picture form.

Damien Ramsey. Resident demon. Except at first in your romance he's like LOL NO I AM NOT A DEMON I WAS A CHANGELING C BORN TO MORTAL PARENTS BUT THEN SOMEONE SWITCHED ME OUT

And you're like "oh you poor babby" and he's like "NO ONE LIKES ME EVERYONE IS SO MEAN"

and meanwhile everyone around you is like "okay maybe stay away from the demon guy??? like this doesn't seem to be a good idea????"

But lo, you are all knowing MaryGinny SuePrescott and you are like NO FUCK YA'LL I'M DATING THE PURPLE MAN

So then one day later on in your relationship he sends you a note and is like "come meet me in the gym," and you show up and he's like "I've discovered the truth! I'm about to die unless I can get someone to give up my soul. Seems like I won't go on afterward." And you're like "Well, whatever, have my soul then." And he's like "You sure?" and you're like "Yeah." And he covers you with sigils and you cut yourself and then...

he's like "HAHAHA YOU FELL INTO MY TRAP MORTAL NOW I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL AND REIGN ETERNALLY TO BRING HELL TO THIS EARTH! HAHAHAHAHA! SUUCKEEER!"

You think I'm fucking kidding.

So you wake up the next day to your roommates Ellen and Virginia being like "Fucking told you so, man. Demons."  So you go to the gym and use a magic spell (sense spirits or something who gives a fuck) to talk to spirits and see what happened and turns out the headmaster hadn't saved you like you were told and that he'd just gotten upset and yelling at himself and punching things. But the headmaster was like "Uh, you're the one who entered in to a contract with a demon sweetheart, there's nothing I can really do to stop that. Maybe don't just go saying SURE YOU CAN HAVE MY SOUL to everyone????"

So I was like "Whatevs."   And then you got a random note that was like "yo meet me baby" and so you meet him and he was like "I LOVE YOU AND I HATE YOU AND I WANT TO DEVOUR YOU AND I WANT TO BE AROUND YOU FOREVER!" and you're like "I love you too I guess." And then you part because you're near school grounds and people might kill him.

Then for a week you get some super fucking creepy love notes.  Like "I WANT TO PULL THE FLESH OFF YOU AND LICK YOUR BLOOD FROM YOUR WOUNDS AND MAKE LOVE TO YOU!!!"

check out our sexiness
and my sexy ass tiara bitches

 Or like "BABY PLEASE SAY YOU'LL LOVE ME FOREVER!! WANT ME TO MURDER THE WORLD FOR YOU SO WE CAN GO LIVE IN MY DEMON CASTLE???" and the last one is like "hey prom is coming up right i wanna go with you talk to the headmaster plz also here's a sexy ring."

So you're like "no" and put the ring on anyway, and you go to prom alone and you get annoyed and go out for a breather early, and he showed up and is like "BABY I LOVE YOU LET'S DANCE" and you're like "k" and he bites you and sucks your soul a bit and you're like (I just imagine MaryGinny at this point being dry and eye rolling about all this fucking shit) "You promised not to hurt me you know," and he was like "LOOK OKAY that promise was just for that day that promise is no longer valid seriously you need to fucking learn about demon contracts jesus christ" and then you dance and he's like "I'LL FIND YOU MY SWEET AND MAYBE I'LL KEEP YOUR PARENTS ALIVE SINCE THEY'RE MORTALS OR THEY CAN JOIN MY CULT :D :D"

The end.

Yeah. Literally. The end.

i dress how i wanna

SCORES

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: 5: Eeehh. I'm honestly really wibbly on this rating. They discuss sex. MaryGinny tells Damien she's not ready, and he says that's fine. And then, in several of the classes they discuss sex too -- the headmaster talks about safe sex, noting it's fine to have relationships, just take care of yourself and talk to her if you need help getting protection. There's discussion of androgyny and intersexuality and genders and it's all treated rather well, and you can romance guys or girls (and demon changeling dudes as well obviously).  So I'm rating it on lack of sexual content, though the discussions are WELL DONE as far as dating sim games go. So take that for what you will? Would I say they're flawless? Never. But incredibly well done.

--

Graphics: 6: Nnngh, most of the graphics are kind of awful, I won't lie. But there's a sort of charm to them that I appreciate? I mean, sure, all the faces look exactly the same, but it makes up for it by letting me make my own character.

Gameplay: 10: I fucking loved playing this game. I liked figuring out how to balance my stress levels with my school levels. I liked the little dungeon mini games where you had to sort out what magic would be best. It was fucking fun. Like, seriously, the magic system was fun -- sure it wasn't often used, but it WAS fun. It was a breath of fresh air.

Story: 10:  For all my laughter at it above, it really did pull me in because it seemed like everything I did mattered, and all the characters had their own stories and lives going on that I may or may not be involved in. I loved it.

Fun: 10: INCREDIBLY fun.

Overall: 36 / 40 --A-.