10 Days With My Devil: Kakeru Kamui

Fucking ridiculous.

Available for iPhone and probably iPad I don't own the latter don't look at me!!

So, let's see if I can even remember this crap. I played it like, a month and a half before. I think first I'll get the pictures up, and try to go from there--this is one of those dating sims that has the pictures in two separate moments so they're broken in two and it annoys me but I'm also too lazy to photoshop this crap together, so deal.

There have been a few times where I have named my main character something else, but this look liked it was going to take place in England or something, so I gave her the name Eliza. This, as usual, failed completely when it turned out she was a young girl from Tokyo. But whatever.

So you're a woman who's going about her day and it's oddly fantabulous. You keep running in to these SUPER SEXAY (supposedly) guys who do SUPER NICE THINGS. Oh man, ow about those FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR shoes you wanted! Here you go ma'am! Oh, suddenly you're going on a date with your SEXY ASS COWORKER to the FANCIEST RESTAURANT. How romantic I guess!

And then as you're walking home from your date, a dog bounces up on you, and five seconds later your apartment explodes. And then all those hot guys show up and are like FUCK SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD (only they all say toast because dead is too heavy a word for your sensitive lady bits, I guess). Also, your PC is fucking stupid as fucking shit:

yeah honey, your toaster caught on fire, you fucking dumbass

So the demons have to explain to your dumbass what they fucking mean when they say toast, and your character starts sobbing because they're talking about destroying her to get her soul proper or whatever.  So she begs for an explanation about why they need her soul, and gets the dumbest fucking explanation I've ever seen:

yeah super eco-friendly. i mean there are souls all over the fucking place. fuck me.

  So at this point, you desperately say: "Please. Just give me ten days. I'll do anything -- I just need to live for ten days and then you can have my soul."

And for some reason, this catches the demons off guard like no mortal has ever done this before. They're like WHAT THIS IS WEIRD NO HUMAN HAS EVER SAID THAT BEFORE

(pardon me while I slowly stare at pretty much every fucking I sold my soul to the devil story ever).

I can't remember if it's at this point Eliza explains her reason -- I don't think it is -- but they find her begging to live ten more days curious so they agree to take her on but someone will have to watch over her to make sure the angels don't notice they're slacking on their job, so bam, cue the start of the proper game as you have to pick your devil.

do you fucking see how scarily disproportionate they are? This is terrifying. And one is a floating head.

Anyway, we all know who I'm going to pick.

Cool and bossy? Wants me not to go against orders. Yes sir.

 You got it. The bossy fuck, Kakeru. And it's at this point that, because I played this a month and a half ago, I can't remember the intricacies of the plot. Not that it really matters, because all dating sims have the same basic plot, but they're mostly so fucking ridiculous, especially these Voltage games (they make all these iphone ones I have), that they're totally ridiculous. Let's see if I can remember even the basics.

So, one of the plots focuses on the fact that demons collect souls and pass them to angels for recycling. Since you're supposed to be "toast," they haven't collected your soul yet, so some angels who roam the earth for unclaimed souls will be able to sense you, so the demons mostly have to keep you hidden. 

This mostly consists of Kakeru having to grab you now and again and hold you when there are angels nearby, because "Demon Stench" keeps angels away from you. To cover this up, he also tells everyone in real life that he's your boyfriend.  And so you have to pretend you're his girlfriend by making his lunch or whatever.  Have a few pictures:

How big is Kakeru's fucking hand

I don't know why this was so hysterical to me, but Eliza talked about what she was making for the demons for dinner (nevermind that one is a fancy chef and cooks amazing food and then gets home and two chapters later apparently "can't cook"???) and about all the things she was buying while we stare at what appears to be washer fluid and drano.

Apparently if you sign up for push notifications, Kakeru will send you texts. Like this one. At this point, Eliza and Kakeru had been dating for two days. I'd dump him for being too creepy.

Second plot involves Kakeru (of course). Would it shock you to find out that he is actually the DEMON PRINCE??? OF COURSE. He is next in line to rule Hell! Though they don't call it Hell (see earlier comment on "sensitive lady bits") but the Demon Realm or whatever.  But the angels live in Heaven and the demons live elsewhere so for all intents and purposes it's hell. Don't fucking argue with me. 

So basically, if people find out he's leaving you alive, then shit will GET REAL and he'll be FUCKED and no one will be able to take over. Nevermind that he has a little brother (who admittedly falls in love with you too and cries about Kakeru getting you -- oh, did I mention he's the cook guy???) who could take over, apparently  the demon king only let Kakeru train to be king and left the brother out in the cold or something, I don't fucking know.

So on top of having to hide you from angels, there's whole fiasco about him trying to hide himself from angels.

Also, the angel is this crazy guy with a for some reason fucking amazing Scottish accent who gets excite

d when he hears the bells of ice cream truck. Basically, should I play this game again, I'll be romancing HIM.

So that's that plot. Have more pictures:

I dunno, something something picnic which means "straddle me sexily you weird looking [but slightly less deformed in this picture] man"

LOOK AT THIS FUCK I LOVE HIM

Just look at those people on the left. Aren't they weird? That's the only reason I screenshotted this.

So, the third and final plot is the big reason why Eliza chose to beg to stay around for ten more days. And that reason is...her sickly older sister is having her baby in ten days, on the dot. I guess they're going to induce labor or something, I can't remember.

Only thing I really remember is that the sister's husband is the most normal looking guy in the game, makes dumbass puns, and so I love him:

Awww Yuusuke!

 Basically, that whole plot makes all the demon boys love you because OMG SO GOOD HEARTED SO LOVING SO UNSELFISH and they fall in love with your good spirit and your sister worries about you not having a boyfriend because if you're a woman who doesn't want kids and a relationship then your life is just fucked up.

Your sister gets sick a few times and you end up panicking in the hospital and Kakeru is the perf boyfriend your sister tells you to hold on to him blah blah blah blah BLAH! Meanwhile, there's way too much monologuing about how you're toast in ten days. FUCK THAT WORD.

At one point you get so stressed that you pass out and when you wake up Kakeru's there and he randomly dons a doctor's jacket and glasses and seduces you or something I don't fucking know.

Anyway at the end people catch you and Kakeru i put on trial and he and his brother abdicate the throne and call his dad a turd bucket, basically, and daddy learns the error of his ways or something, I can't fucking remember.

Ugh, smoking.

SCORES

?????? What the fuck.

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: : 7. I think at the end you guys lie in bed naked to each other and have sex 'cause he' a demon, but I also half think it's actually you lying next to him who's topless and you kiss and he wants to have sex but you're like OH BUT KAKERU WE HAVE TO SAVE OURSELVES FOR ONE ANOTHER and he's like 'k baby' or something. Whatever. Fuck.

--

Graphics: 6: They were okay until I put the pictures together and saw how distorted Kakeru was most of the time.

Gameplay: 8: It's a dating sim  visual novel what the fuck do you expect? You get 2/3 choices and  that's that.

Story: 8: Honestly, relatively coherent as far as weird Voltage games go. Still weird as hell though. 

Fun: 7.  Solely because of the weird as hell text messages I received and showed off to my friends. They were all ridiculous and weird as hell.

Overall: 29 / 40 --  C-.

I have no idea if we're screwing or what in this pic.

So

I gave this blog up thinking no one was reading it, and then I come back a few months later and find out that I have over 900 views ????

SO I WILL BE BRINGING IT BACK DON'T YA'LL WORRY I GOT SHIT OUT THE WAZZOO HERE FUCK YEAH

Pirates in Love: Eduardo's Line

Pirates in Love: Eduardo Line

It's time to sail the sea of love, the tagline says.
Who the fuck thought that was a good tagline.
Seriously? Where's a water bed for wanking
on when I need it.

Available for iphone and probably ipad maybe I don't know?

This was the first otome game I played.

Well, no that's a lie. This isn't the first otome game I played ever, but it's the first one I played recently, and it was as I was telling my friends about the plot to this one that they were like "holy shit Maq you should make a blog" so I made a blog (that is currently only read by said friends as well as a bunch of Russians. Hey Russia, waddup?????)

But anyway, you can tell it was my first one I'd played on my iphone and in recent memory because I took a thousand screenshots:

Ya, damn bar! Use that line on your friends.

I say a thousand. I really just mean thirteen. But y'know, since most of these reviews contain five, this will be a PICTURE HEAVY REVIEW.

The Engrish on this one is really good, if you can't tell.

So anyway, the opening of the game is you're a bar wench in a bar when SUDDENLY two dudes try to rape you (what a way to start an otome game). You get your darling ass beat when some dashing ass pirates burst in and save the day.

They tell you to run, so flee you do. The dudes who are trying to rape you (god fucking damn that plot point I hate rape as plot point so much god damnit) keep chasing you so you dodge sideways and climb into a barrel and hide from them. Only then you get hit on the head in the barrel and pass out. And later you wake up and it turns out you're on the pirate ship of the guys who saved you OH WIMSY!!

WIMSY!! FEEL THAT FUCKING WIMSY!

So long story short we're romancing this fucker:

All of that sentence was basically spot on to describe him.

His name is Eduardo. He's the first mate. He's an asshole.

Now, I'm super sorry if I get this line all messed up because this is a long ago memory but lets see if I can remember what went down.

So it all turns out that the pirates you're with don't really rape and pillage like pirates do, no, they're pretty nice guys as far as things go. Which, I mean, I guess that makes sense because if you were to romance real pirates it might not be as romantic as otome games really call for. But whatever.

One night your boat is invaded by some other pirates, lead by Captain Alan. Along with them is Fuzzy, the only other female you'll really meet in this game. One thing I can tell you is 1) Fuzzy has the best faces, 2) Fuzzy is a larger woman and 3) Fuzzy takes no shit. Also, Fuzzy is an incredibly sexy dancer, but I get ahead of myself.

Fuzzy is in the pink. (Obviously).

Proof Fuzzy makes the best faces.

 So the two fight and no one really gets hurt but everyone decides they're going to go after this mystical treasure because you're fucking pirates that's what you fucking do. Turns out that the map to the treasure is on the frozen wastes of the island of Ice or something. Maybe the island is called something ridiculous, like Ice-atron. The important thing is that there's an Island of Ice and it's cursed and your crew thinks it's deadly but YOU NEED THE MAP so you volunteer to prove you're not useless and Eduardo has to go with you.

So you guys go, and Eduardo calls you an asshole. And then your boot is pulled off by the wind and carried through the air ?? so Eduardo calls you an asshole again and retrieves your boot and then you fall into a cave and TURNS OUT the map is there but there's a blizzard going on so you have to stay in the cave so you cuddle in the cold.

And he calls you an asshole again.

But you eventually get back to the ship and then it turns out that your ship was damaged by the cold and so you guys have to go and get it repaired. While you're in the city in a market, you learn about the...fuck, I can't remember they're names. We'll say the BROWN EYES versus the HAZEL EYES. The Brown Eyes currently rule and the Hazel Eyes are the natives who have been run off or now serve as slaves and also there was this former emperor guy who loved the hazel eyes and erased prejudice by enacting laws but the current emperor is a douchebag or something.

So some BROWN EYES harass a HAZEL EYE and you yell at them so you're sent to jail and they find out you're one of the Sirius pirates. So they decide they're going to execute you! One of the HAZEL EYE servants delivers you a note that says "Don't worry we will save you - E" and then you're lead out to the yard to face execution.

AND THEN LO AND BEHOLD EDUARDO SHOWS UP, GRABS YOU, SPINS YOU AROUND, AND SHOOTS BITCHES.

Your hair was never that color so I don't know whose hair that is to the left.

 So Eduardo rushes you off while the other pirates hold back the guard. There he reveals his terrible past, that is, he was the son of a BROWN EYE and a HAZEL EYE and also the BROWN EYE is this ADMIRAL people have talked about (only it turns out he's the emperor who was totally cool okay and you tell him that) and also his mom didn't want him to come by or something and she's dead now and blah blah blah.

Anyway, he takes off his eyepatch and reveals why he keeps one eye hidden and it is because it is the SAME COLOR AS HIS FATHER'S only like it's not really that much different from his revealed eye:

Click this. Seriously. Practically the same color.

So ya'll basically make it home to the ship and then you talk about everything for a while and try to convince Eduardo that like...his father really did do nice things and he finds some letters from his mother to his father or father to his mother which he reads and finds out that his father was in fact not an asshole or something and blah blah blah.

Eventually he gives you a necklace his mom had given to him before she died and it's a gorgeous jewel or something.

The necklace!!!

So you guys eventually end up going to the SKULL PLACE which is where the treasure is and it's there of course you uncover that the son of the royal family would show up and take back the treasure and reclaim what was his and of course Eduardo is a child of the HAZEL EYE royal family and his mom was queen and blah blah blah the glowing necklace reveals the treasure people take the treasure the island starts sinking and you escape.

And then you and Eduardo get married and he wears a stupid little navy outfit the end.

Also there's a point where you and Fuzzy are kidnapped by slavers and have to work in a strip club except you escape before any of that becomes obvious and Fuzzy handles it also Fuzzy joins the crew???

Seriously, look at this dumbass outfit.

SCORES

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: 2: Seriously. The most NSFW this gets is Eduardo kisses your throat once and calls you asshole. The idea of sleeping with him in bed doesn't even come to the protagonist's chaste pure mind until the end.

--

Graphics: 8: Eh, nothing horrible, but nothing that made me die of awe.

Gameplay: 7: It's a regular dating Sim, but you get three choices, and your choices will tell what ending you'll get.

Story: 8:  It's kind of ridiculous, and nonsensical, and really doesn't make sense, but at least they give you more than just a simple A-plot, and it did make me laugh.

Fun: 7. I admit I got most of my laughs laughing at the godawful plot. Otherwise it's all right I suppose?

Overall: 30 / 40 --  C

What an asshole.

Magical Diary: Grabiner's Line

Magical Diary

Meet four of your potential dates!

Costs money (I don't know how much--a friend got it for me as a gift for my birthday. MY FRIENDS HELP ME WITH MY HABIT! Thanks Ann!), but can be played on Mac, Linux, PC.

This time around I played it on my Mac (upon realizing you could play it on Mac) and things went much better in character creation:

Check Checkit.

I NO LONGER HAVE TO START MY NAME WITH MARY SUE YAY. So meet Avery Johnson. I'm also going to cheat with her, because god damnit there's a python console so I'm going to use it so to see some alternate things I otherwise didn't well manage.

But mostly she's going to be focusing on black magic.

Before I go on, I realized I never actually showed pictures of your roommates Virginia and Ellen:

They're both actually sport (because you're in the Horse Hall).
Virginia on left, Ellen on right.

 And on that note, since I remembered this round, I want to show how this game is better than 99% of dating Sims. Presented without further comment:

Do you see that? Not only is this dating sim telling you that enthusiastic consent is a must, but it's also going into gender issues. This is officially one of my favorite dating sims ever now. And that's not going into the stuff I've otherwise heard about -- like that if you date Virginia (who I will get to when I do that playthrough), she lets you know that she is asexual and THAT'S TOTALLY COOL

Like seriously. In a world of dating games where it's like "OH LET ME GET YOUR BAG FOR YOU ARE WOMAN AND WEAK" and "LOL PERIOD JOKES," this is absolutely fucking beautiful.

Anyway so, on to the actual point of this. DATING! Professor Grabiner:

Yeah. He's your Professor. But like..it's...less weird then you think it would be? Like, god, I feel weird saying that, but I honestly have to say that of all the lines I've done so far (Three: haven't yet talked/written about Donald's) this is my favorite, because it's a slow developing thing. And I like those.

Also, I have a thing for older grumpy guys. What can I say?

This is how you win dates.

So to date Grabby you have to first be a treasurer. And one day, on your way to do your duties, you come across this:

DATING!

whereupon you get the choice to charge in and save him or find help. If you select to charge in, you end up married to Grabby. (Because the monster can't hurt him because he's of the Grabiner blood and you charge in so the monster can hurt you and so Professor Potsdam charges in and says you're engaged so to fool the demon you have to actually become married).

The wedding is hysterical:

Uhh, I know I'm being pretty unexciting about this but I got a ton of photos.

OKAY SO BASICALLY YOU GET MARRIED, GRABINER IS PISSED. You go through your classes, no one finds out except Minnie Cochran the class president because you needed a witness aside from Potsdam. You and Grabiner slowly talk to each other a little bit and slowly grow to open up a bit to each other, and it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort.

The day after your marriage!

You end up having to send yourself a valentine:

trolololol

And there's one moment pretty subtle at one point, where -- after all this time, you've been calling him sir and Mister Grabiner, and he's been calling you Miss [your last name, in my case Johnson], and then this happens:

And when this happened I stopped rapidly hitting my space key.

And I squealed, because it was literally the first time he'd said my first name and it was fucking THRILLING. And he goes on to say you no longer have to call him sir:

like I seriously got so delighted here.

Also, this made me laugh:

BUT LONG STORY SHORT.

I love Grabiner's story line. It was incredibly well done, it was pretty damn classy, and I appreciated how it went about everything.

And finally in the end, your character calls Grabiner out on his bullshit, and notes she's grown to care for him, he admits similarly, the marriage stays on though you guys plan on taking things very slow.

Honestly, the only disappointing moment is that this is
just a palette swap of every other kiss in this game.

SCORES

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: 5: Eeehh. Copying my Damien line rating: I'm honestly really wibbly on this rating. They discuss sex. In several of the classes they discuss sex too -- the headmaster talks about safe sex, noting it's fine to have relationships, just take care of yourself and talk to her if you need help getting protection. There's discussion of androgyny and intersexuality and genders and it's all treated rather well, and you can romance guys or girls (and demon changeling dudes as well obviously).  So I'm rating it on lack of sexual content, though the discussions are WELL DONE as far as dating sim games go. So take that for what you will? Would I say they're flawless? Never. But incredibly well done.

--

Graphics: 6: Nnngh, most of the graphics are kind of awful, I won't lie. But there's a sort of charm to them that I appreciate? I mean, sure, all the faces look exactly the same, but it makes up for it by letting me make my own character.

Gameplay: 10: I fucking loved playing this game. I liked figuring out how to balance my stress levels with my school levels. I liked the little dungeon mini games where you had to sort out what magic would be best. It was fucking fun. Like, seriously, the magic system was fun -- sure it wasn't often used, but it WAS fun. It was a breath of fresh air.

Story: 10:  For all my laughter at it above, it really did pull me in because it seemed like everything I did mattered, and all the characters had their own stories and lives going on that I may or may not be involved in. I loved it.

Fun: 10: INCREDIBLY fun.

Overall: 36 / 40 -- I DON'T CARE IF THIS WAS AN A- I LOVED THIS LINE A++++