A Knight's Devotion: Gaia

Y'know, now that I'm really looking at this--your character is never shown with long hair, and why are only Lute, Ken, and Shion present? I don't get it.

Still available for iPhone and iPad.

Oh. My. God. Oh my god, I cannot begin to fucking describe how much I fucking loved this line. I loved it so much. It is so goddamn rare for me to really get into something and squeal and kick. I chose Gaia literally because of that one moment in Kenny's line, and I thought I'd hate it as much as I hated Kenny's line, and that I'd just stop playing this one, but holy crap I loved it I loved it I LOVED IT SO MUCH AAAAAH

Okay sorry, fangirl screaming calmed down. Taking some deep breaths here. In. Out. In. Out. Okay I'm good.

So in this version of the plot, your character looks around, worried about who she has to choose. She thinks of Ken because, y'know, she's known him the longest before she finally chooses Gaia, because he's the Knight Commander and thus the least likely to get hurt in his duty.

Gaia is fucking SERIOUS about his duties. He has to protect you. Once you choose him, he becomes even more insane about it -- eating separately so his ears will be alert to any enemies approaching, sitting by himself at all times so he can be more aware, etc. You guys get moving on your journey to the castle and stop in a small town for your first night. There, you run into a stray cat that immediately attaches to Gaia, even though he tries to shoo it off--and at one point when it won't leave him alone, draws his sword, sighs, says something along the lines of, "I'm sorry this dirty creature is harassing you, princess, if you turn away I can ensure it stops." Like, he's fucking serious.

Said Cat.

However, you jump in and stop him from doing this, and are like "No, it's fine!" and so he grumpily lets it be.

Now, here's one of the reasons I really love this line: the heroine isn't some simple little girl who needs saved in this one. She's a lot more active. She does shit. She actively helps with shit. Sure, she's not swinging a sword or anything, but she does step forward and do her part. And in this case, she actively stops Gaia from slaying the cat, and demands he let it stay around.

As Gaia is constantly off on his lonesome, she even stands up when the other knights and she are all eating together, goes over to him, and tells him to eat with the rest of them, because eating alone won't solve anything. Sure, they may not be as prepared in case of a fight--but she'd rather him eat with them than eat by himself.

oh hey, way to be not as out of proportion as everyone else, Gaia! another reason to love you! (so far)

You eventually reach a port town where you're supposed to take a ship to shorten the trip to the capital. However, there's unrest in the empire due to a strange priest who's causing people to doubt the king, and the ship captain sees the knights and calls them out for serving the so-called "cowardly king" and refuses to give any of you a lift.

All the knights begin trying to find another ship to take, and you spend your time talking to the locals, chatting. One of them you talk to is a little boy, who thinks the knights are really cool, mentions that his father is a sea captain, and shows you a boat he'd made. Eventually, the knights return without having found anyone, and you all return miserably to your Inn.

Later that night, however, some sailors burst into the inn searching for the captain's son -- apparently he's gone missing, and there's a terrible storm in the harbor. The knights immediately leap to to help, and your princess demands to go along since she spoke to the boy. It's your princess who finds him--leading people to his boat where the boy is drowning, and Gaia jumps in to the water to save him. He pulls him out and dries him off.

The captain forgives you, and gives you passage on his ship in exchange for saving his boys life. He also gives you a huge meal, which Gaia leaves in the middle of.  You sneak off after him, and find him on deck, feeding the cat which he'd stowed away with him.

Okay, your arm is too long here, Gaia. It like, reaches your mid-calf when you're standing straight up. Forgivable sins.

He's flushed and embarrassed at being caught, but you tell him he has nothing to be embarassed about, and after some talking, he gets down and formally announces that he will defend you for life because you're a kind princess, to allow even someone awful like him to be around. (And there's our first hint as toward the sole subplot to this side of things -- main plot being the rebellion led by the priest, subplot being about how and why Gaia thinks he's a wretch).

Because of having you + the knights on board, the captains food provisions fall a bit faster than he was expecting, so you briefly have to stop in at a small town to get more provisions. The problem here is that it's a pirate town, and to buy anything you need to get the permission of the pirate captain who just so happens to hate knights and want to kill them, because, y'know, lawbreaker, blah blah blah.

His name is Marco. Hurr hurr hurr.

Everyone is about to draw sword and fight when your princess leaps forward and tells everyone to stop. Marco spots you for the first time and is like OMG I WANT HER TO BE MY BRIDE, Gaia is like "Fuck off ho," and so they decide to have a bet. If Marco wins, you become a pirate wife. If Gaia wins, you get your food provisions. This would probably be more sexist if it wasn't for the fact that your character is the one who sets the bet, and is like "lol whatever Gaia will win."

The knights then inform you that Gaia has lost every bet he's ever made. So good luck, have fun sweetheart.

Long story short, the cat saves the day, Gaia wins the bet, Marco is sad but lets you guys have your food and swears one day he'll rape and pillage up the coast until he finds you and steals you away. Gaia tries to attack him again, your princess is like "lol whatevs baiiiii"

You continue your journey and reach the capital city, yay! And you get lost, not yay! And then a fucking weird ass looking guy who's wearing a cross so he's DEFINITELY the priest finds you and leads you back to where you need to be.

what is wrong with your eyes, duder

You eventually find Gaia again, who was frantically worried looking for you. You tell him he's cute. He says he didn't realize your eyes were that bad, and he will get them for you. You then say "No, no, on the INSIDE," and he says something that caused me to giggle hysterically:

aw baby

You finally get to the castle, where you meet your father (who in this variation is just sick with stress and has collapsed and can barely walk), and are coddled by the staff, which doesn't sit right with you. They feed you some high class super rich food and you can't quite stomach it, so you don't eat much and head off to your room. Gaia is waiting for you there, and he asks after your day, admits he heard you didn't eat much, and takes you out of the castle to eat at a place that has food you're used to.

You also at this point hear more about Gaia's life. Apparently his father was knight-commander before him, and was this huge hero, and there was this one point where supposedly the enemy kingdom was about to attack (unnamed this time), and as they lead their army, his father just...disappeared. The people then spread rumors that he was a coward, and he fled, blah blah blah, and so they say that Gaia's a coward too -- thus why Gaia takes his job so seriously.

Man-cleavage weirds me out.

The priest then leads a bunch of peasants and civilians to the castle gates, where he's like WE WILL HAVE A MEETING WITH THE KING or something. You storm forward and say "My father is ill and cannot make it. I'm his daughter, I will listen to your demands and speak with you." Only, y'know, you were raised as a peasant and everyone was told you were dead and no formal announcement's been made yet, so Mr. Priest calls you the False-Princess and since Gaia is with you, calls him the Traitor-Commander, and OH WHAT A PAIR YOU MAKE HUH

You stand up to him, which is when someone shoves forward through the crowd and sides with you. People calm down, sort of weirded out that a royal is willing to listen and the group leaves, barring the old man who shoved forward, who asks for you and Gaia to leave with him.

He leads you to a hovel of a village, where he tells a story of a great knight who--when large amount of scouts for an army that was thinking of attacking the capital came, and was killing villagers--came and fought them off at the cost of his own life. Of course, the knight was Gaia's father. The village built a magnificent grave to honor him, but because the priest doesn't want THAT getting out and thus giving the knights and the king more credibility, he's threatened to raze the town.  They've decided he's gotten too nuts though, and don't give a fuck and want to stand up to him.

nevermind why a fictional kingdom has a cross for shit.

So you guys decide to attack the priest. Gaia comes to your room and says something, and you kiss, and he pauses, and then says something like "Is there any way I can not be a knight tonight, and instead be a man?" and you're like "Yes." And then it suddenly snaps to morning, and look, this game is innocent as fuck, but is there any way you guys DIDN'T spend the whole night fucking? Because I'm saying you guys spent the night fucking. Fuck this bullshit innocence shit. You guys were like ANIMALS.

You wake up to Gaia trying to sneak off on his own, but you stop him and the other knights show up.

So, in a defiant stand, your knights take the fight to McRoy the priest, where his hooded men fight. The knights initially win, when McRoy's men bring in reinforcements, and they're getting battered, you get shot at with arrows, etc, when Marco shows up with his pirates, bringing reinforcements to your side because apparently McRoy's men had gone to pirates for help (because pirates hate knights!) and Marco was like "wtf you want to hurt my beloved princess fuuuuck u."

Afterward, you embrace Gaia, and he's like "oh, uh, princess you shouldn't do that especially not in front of people." So this happens:

So things settle down. YOu handle things your father can't, your father officially makes an announcement, there's a party you're uncomfortable in, and Gaia takes you aside to show you your kingdom, and then kisses you. And this pissed me off 'cause I couldn't get the full picture because it always started before I could get the bottom half, fuck.

SCORES

Oh well. Still cute.

 Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: 2 OR 6: Honestly, it's innocent as hell. If you're me, however, that slash cut was totally to block out some raunchy sex. Just saying.
--

Graphics: 10: I noticed, in all honesty, next to nothing that made me cringe this route, and there were some really gorgeous lighting moments. Also, I loved this line. Fuck you. I do what I want.

Gameplay: 10: It's a regular dating Sim, but you get three choices, and your choices will tell what ending you'll get. But fuck you, I do what I want.

Story: 10: I loved this plot. The subplot was simplistic, but better than most dating sims, and the main plot was also simplistic, but better than most dating sims. Your character honestly did things rather than just cry and trip over things. Thank GOD.

Fun: 10. Fuck you, I giggled the whole time.

Overall: 40 / 40 --  A++++++.

A Knight's Devotion: Kenny

Everything was good until I saw Haku's spider hand. (The guy in the upper right).

Available for iPhone and probably iPad. $3.99 an episode, as usual.

So in this game, you're an accidental princess with five knights defending her. "Accidental princess," you say, "Maq what the fuck does that mean?"Well, it means you were a regular girl until suddenly some guys try to kill you and it's revealed that you're a secret princess and the king had you raised as a peasant just in case, y'know. Shit happens.

we're off to a great start! If you can't read this, allow me to transcribe in full Engrishy glory: Once upon a time, the King of this country has been missing. Therefore Princess and her knights went for a trip to look for King. They met with various dangerous in the trip, but the King was found safely. And this was a secret, the princess and the knight have fallen in love.

hahahaha, i bet the evil enemy kingdom is something stupid too, like "Gladius." (let me spoil the surprise: it is).

So, you're off visiting your friend the blacksmith. You're eating some sweet rolls filled with sweet potato when normally you eat the ones filled with red bean paste (something tells me these are actually sweet buns a la Japan rather than sweet rolls but, who am I to complain) when suddenly some strangers in black hoods burst in and attack you! OH NOES! Ken, the blacksmith, leaps between you and them and tells you to run!

You make it like ten feet before they attack you again because you're a wuss, but honestly the same bullshit would happen to me, so what the hell ever.

YOUR MENACING ANTAGONISTS EVERYBODY (they're not that menacing)

So anyway, the knights show up and save you, and then you have to pick a head knight to be your main guard. I, in a desperate attempt to pick someone who wasn't bossy to give you guys a bit of a switch from my normal, picked Kenny the Best Friend From When I was Younger, only it turned out he was a bossy asshole.

Even when I try not to, I pick them I guess.

So you guys leave on your journey in a covered wagon rather than any sort of princess-esque thing. You end up going to some city or town where they're going to have a Madeleine festival, and while you're there you see a guy in a black hoodie with the mask like the guys who attacked you who keeps staring at you, but oh, you don't want the knights to worry so you don't mention it. Which is when said guy shoots you, I guess. Only he misses. And everyone panics and screams.

And you get lost/trip because you're a heroine in a visual novel, and so Kenny has to rescue you/carry you (they're one and the same).

Kenny, too, has scary Yaoi Hands and this isn't even a Yaoi.

Also there's a badass horse named Dragon pulling your carriage or something, idk. Uh, anyway, so you guys leave to continue on your journey (also by this point you learn the king is missing and may have been searching for some treasure or something??)

This is Dragon. That's all you need to know. He's the best character by far.

HEY, THIS IS THE STREAM MY PIRATE GIRL BATHED IN.

So, you're on your way still when you come to a bridge that's under construction and will be done the next day or something, idk, and you want to go on a walk. Ken goes with you and you fall in the water, and he's like OMG GET OUT UR CLOTHES OR U'LL GET SICK.

So you go put your clothes away and are in your underwear. A bandit steals your clothes, you scream, Kenny comes up and embraces you while you're nearly naked and then goes and gets your bag. He returns with said bag--but no clothes, yet your character is no longer embarassed re: lack of clothes idek.

There's also a lot of typos, where random symbols will be inserted. Oh, and there's a fucking obnoxious plot about Kenny maybe getting it on with some sexy woman with giant jiggling bazongas, and this plot pisses me the fuck off because it's the "It's a trap!" plot, where the woman is a trans individual and so everyone acts like this is freaky and it pisses me the fuck off. But thank god it is maybe a two chapter sub plot and so I could grit my teeth and get through it. 

Example of the weird typo ]here.

Here's Sora, with her great jiggling tits.

And like there's one part where you hide and Kenny wants to make out with you or something, fuck.

Also more Gladius people attack. So you run, and Kenny has to get you back or something.

And Gaius is cute and I will probably romance him next, damn the consequences.

So it turns out that the King hasn't actually been searching for some treasure. He's...just been...hanging out at some temple full of treasure for funzies, I guess. Also the Gladius Kingdom caught him. And it didn't make any fucking sense, okay?

Also there's ANOTHER weird subplot where you and Ken think you're brother/sister so you can't be together but no turns out the king just had a stillborn baby boy named Ken and so Ken's dad named him after that stillborn baby because reasons.

And you all live happily ever after I guess.

Also, at the end in the temple fight, for some fucking awkward reason one of the dudes randomly becomes a bishonen in a leather jacket and like, THERE'S NO REASON FOR IT. No one acknowledges him, he's just called Robed Man and he screams a lot and I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S A FUTURE ANTAGONIST BOYFRIEND OR WHAT???

But look -- this version, while Kenny was okay, I just got so pissed at it it just wasn't that fun anymore. And now looking back on it, I wish I'd picked a different knight. So I'll probably do Gaia next week or something, and I imagine I'll enjoy it a lot more.

Your father is low-rest and squished.

You guys kiss at some point.

Here is Robed Man, the mysterious probably future antagonist boyfriend glitch.

Yep.

SCORES

YES I WILL RAISE MY GIANT TWISTED HAND TO YOUR SERVICE

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: : 2. Kenny gets super into kissing your neck at the very end. He says "I don't think I can stop," which would maybe imply sex, except your character is like "I LIKE U KISSING MY NECK" and he is like "nngh yeah gurl" so I guess neck kissing is equivalent to sex? Look, it's chaste as hell.

--

Graphics: 7: Yaoi hands, but forgiven due to Dragon.

Gameplay: 8: It's a dating sim  visual novel what the fuck do you expect? You get 2/3 choices and  that's that.

Story: 3: Too many subplots, plus the whole SHE'S A TRAP!!! subplot pissed me off. 

Fun: 5.  See above.

Overall: 23/40 - 56. F.

10 Days With My Devil: Kakeru Kamui

Fucking ridiculous.

Available for iPhone and probably iPad I don't own the latter don't look at me!!

So, let's see if I can even remember this crap. I played it like, a month and a half before. I think first I'll get the pictures up, and try to go from there--this is one of those dating sims that has the pictures in two separate moments so they're broken in two and it annoys me but I'm also too lazy to photoshop this crap together, so deal.

There have been a few times where I have named my main character something else, but this look liked it was going to take place in England or something, so I gave her the name Eliza. This, as usual, failed completely when it turned out she was a young girl from Tokyo. But whatever.

So you're a woman who's going about her day and it's oddly fantabulous. You keep running in to these SUPER SEXAY (supposedly) guys who do SUPER NICE THINGS. Oh man, ow about those FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR shoes you wanted! Here you go ma'am! Oh, suddenly you're going on a date with your SEXY ASS COWORKER to the FANCIEST RESTAURANT. How romantic I guess!

And then as you're walking home from your date, a dog bounces up on you, and five seconds later your apartment explodes. And then all those hot guys show up and are like FUCK SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD (only they all say toast because dead is too heavy a word for your sensitive lady bits, I guess). Also, your PC is fucking stupid as fucking shit:

yeah honey, your toaster caught on fire, you fucking dumbass

So the demons have to explain to your dumbass what they fucking mean when they say toast, and your character starts sobbing because they're talking about destroying her to get her soul proper or whatever.  So she begs for an explanation about why they need her soul, and gets the dumbest fucking explanation I've ever seen:

yeah super eco-friendly. i mean there are souls all over the fucking place. fuck me.

  So at this point, you desperately say: "Please. Just give me ten days. I'll do anything -- I just need to live for ten days and then you can have my soul."

And for some reason, this catches the demons off guard like no mortal has ever done this before. They're like WHAT THIS IS WEIRD NO HUMAN HAS EVER SAID THAT BEFORE

(pardon me while I slowly stare at pretty much every fucking I sold my soul to the devil story ever).

I can't remember if it's at this point Eliza explains her reason -- I don't think it is -- but they find her begging to live ten more days curious so they agree to take her on but someone will have to watch over her to make sure the angels don't notice they're slacking on their job, so bam, cue the start of the proper game as you have to pick your devil.

do you fucking see how scarily disproportionate they are? This is terrifying. And one is a floating head.

Anyway, we all know who I'm going to pick.

Cool and bossy? Wants me not to go against orders. Yes sir.

 You got it. The bossy fuck, Kakeru. And it's at this point that, because I played this a month and a half ago, I can't remember the intricacies of the plot. Not that it really matters, because all dating sims have the same basic plot, but they're mostly so fucking ridiculous, especially these Voltage games (they make all these iphone ones I have), that they're totally ridiculous. Let's see if I can remember even the basics.

So, one of the plots focuses on the fact that demons collect souls and pass them to angels for recycling. Since you're supposed to be "toast," they haven't collected your soul yet, so some angels who roam the earth for unclaimed souls will be able to sense you, so the demons mostly have to keep you hidden. 

This mostly consists of Kakeru having to grab you now and again and hold you when there are angels nearby, because "Demon Stench" keeps angels away from you. To cover this up, he also tells everyone in real life that he's your boyfriend.  And so you have to pretend you're his girlfriend by making his lunch or whatever.  Have a few pictures:

How big is Kakeru's fucking hand

I don't know why this was so hysterical to me, but Eliza talked about what she was making for the demons for dinner (nevermind that one is a fancy chef and cooks amazing food and then gets home and two chapters later apparently "can't cook"???) and about all the things she was buying while we stare at what appears to be washer fluid and drano.

Apparently if you sign up for push notifications, Kakeru will send you texts. Like this one. At this point, Eliza and Kakeru had been dating for two days. I'd dump him for being too creepy.

Second plot involves Kakeru (of course). Would it shock you to find out that he is actually the DEMON PRINCE??? OF COURSE. He is next in line to rule Hell! Though they don't call it Hell (see earlier comment on "sensitive lady bits") but the Demon Realm or whatever.  But the angels live in Heaven and the demons live elsewhere so for all intents and purposes it's hell. Don't fucking argue with me. 

So basically, if people find out he's leaving you alive, then shit will GET REAL and he'll be FUCKED and no one will be able to take over. Nevermind that he has a little brother (who admittedly falls in love with you too and cries about Kakeru getting you -- oh, did I mention he's the cook guy???) who could take over, apparently  the demon king only let Kakeru train to be king and left the brother out in the cold or something, I don't fucking know.

So on top of having to hide you from angels, there's whole fiasco about him trying to hide himself from angels.

Also, the angel is this crazy guy with a for some reason fucking amazing Scottish accent who gets excite

d when he hears the bells of ice cream truck. Basically, should I play this game again, I'll be romancing HIM.

So that's that plot. Have more pictures:

I dunno, something something picnic which means "straddle me sexily you weird looking [but slightly less deformed in this picture] man"

LOOK AT THIS FUCK I LOVE HIM

Just look at those people on the left. Aren't they weird? That's the only reason I screenshotted this.

So, the third and final plot is the big reason why Eliza chose to beg to stay around for ten more days. And that reason is...her sickly older sister is having her baby in ten days, on the dot. I guess they're going to induce labor or something, I can't remember.

Only thing I really remember is that the sister's husband is the most normal looking guy in the game, makes dumbass puns, and so I love him:

Awww Yuusuke!

 Basically, that whole plot makes all the demon boys love you because OMG SO GOOD HEARTED SO LOVING SO UNSELFISH and they fall in love with your good spirit and your sister worries about you not having a boyfriend because if you're a woman who doesn't want kids and a relationship then your life is just fucked up.

Your sister gets sick a few times and you end up panicking in the hospital and Kakeru is the perf boyfriend your sister tells you to hold on to him blah blah blah blah BLAH! Meanwhile, there's way too much monologuing about how you're toast in ten days. FUCK THAT WORD.

At one point you get so stressed that you pass out and when you wake up Kakeru's there and he randomly dons a doctor's jacket and glasses and seduces you or something I don't fucking know.

Anyway at the end people catch you and Kakeru i put on trial and he and his brother abdicate the throne and call his dad a turd bucket, basically, and daddy learns the error of his ways or something, I can't fucking remember.

Ugh, smoking.

SCORES

?????? What the fuck.

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: : 7. I think at the end you guys lie in bed naked to each other and have sex 'cause he' a demon, but I also half think it's actually you lying next to him who's topless and you kiss and he wants to have sex but you're like OH BUT KAKERU WE HAVE TO SAVE OURSELVES FOR ONE ANOTHER and he's like 'k baby' or something. Whatever. Fuck.

--

Graphics: 6: They were okay until I put the pictures together and saw how distorted Kakeru was most of the time.

Gameplay: 8: It's a dating sim  visual novel what the fuck do you expect? You get 2/3 choices and  that's that.

Story: 8: Honestly, relatively coherent as far as weird Voltage games go. Still weird as hell though. 

Fun: 7.  Solely because of the weird as hell text messages I received and showed off to my friends. They were all ridiculous and weird as hell.

Overall: 29 / 40 --  C-.

I have no idea if we're screwing or what in this pic.