A Knight's Devotion: Kenny

Everything was good until I saw Haku's spider hand. (The guy in the upper right).

Available for iPhone and probably iPad. $3.99 an episode, as usual.

So in this game, you're an accidental princess with five knights defending her. "Accidental princess," you say, "Maq what the fuck does that mean?"Well, it means you were a regular girl until suddenly some guys try to kill you and it's revealed that you're a secret princess and the king had you raised as a peasant just in case, y'know. Shit happens.

we're off to a great start! If you can't read this, allow me to transcribe in full Engrishy glory: Once upon a time, the King of this country has been missing. Therefore Princess and her knights went for a trip to look for King. They met with various dangerous in the trip, but the King was found safely. And this was a secret, the princess and the knight have fallen in love.

hahahaha, i bet the evil enemy kingdom is something stupid too, like "Gladius." (let me spoil the surprise: it is).

So, you're off visiting your friend the blacksmith. You're eating some sweet rolls filled with sweet potato when normally you eat the ones filled with red bean paste (something tells me these are actually sweet buns a la Japan rather than sweet rolls but, who am I to complain) when suddenly some strangers in black hoods burst in and attack you! OH NOES! Ken, the blacksmith, leaps between you and them and tells you to run!

You make it like ten feet before they attack you again because you're a wuss, but honestly the same bullshit would happen to me, so what the hell ever.

YOUR MENACING ANTAGONISTS EVERYBODY (they're not that menacing)

So anyway, the knights show up and save you, and then you have to pick a head knight to be your main guard. I, in a desperate attempt to pick someone who wasn't bossy to give you guys a bit of a switch from my normal, picked Kenny the Best Friend From When I was Younger, only it turned out he was a bossy asshole.

Even when I try not to, I pick them I guess.

So you guys leave on your journey in a covered wagon rather than any sort of princess-esque thing. You end up going to some city or town where they're going to have a Madeleine festival, and while you're there you see a guy in a black hoodie with the mask like the guys who attacked you who keeps staring at you, but oh, you don't want the knights to worry so you don't mention it. Which is when said guy shoots you, I guess. Only he misses. And everyone panics and screams.

And you get lost/trip because you're a heroine in a visual novel, and so Kenny has to rescue you/carry you (they're one and the same).

Kenny, too, has scary Yaoi Hands and this isn't even a Yaoi.

Also there's a badass horse named Dragon pulling your carriage or something, idk. Uh, anyway, so you guys leave to continue on your journey (also by this point you learn the king is missing and may have been searching for some treasure or something??)

This is Dragon. That's all you need to know. He's the best character by far.

HEY, THIS IS THE STREAM MY PIRATE GIRL BATHED IN.

So, you're on your way still when you come to a bridge that's under construction and will be done the next day or something, idk, and you want to go on a walk. Ken goes with you and you fall in the water, and he's like OMG GET OUT UR CLOTHES OR U'LL GET SICK.

So you go put your clothes away and are in your underwear. A bandit steals your clothes, you scream, Kenny comes up and embraces you while you're nearly naked and then goes and gets your bag. He returns with said bag--but no clothes, yet your character is no longer embarassed re: lack of clothes idek.

There's also a lot of typos, where random symbols will be inserted. Oh, and there's a fucking obnoxious plot about Kenny maybe getting it on with some sexy woman with giant jiggling bazongas, and this plot pisses me the fuck off because it's the "It's a trap!" plot, where the woman is a trans individual and so everyone acts like this is freaky and it pisses me the fuck off. But thank god it is maybe a two chapter sub plot and so I could grit my teeth and get through it. 

Example of the weird typo ]here.

Here's Sora, with her great jiggling tits.

And like there's one part where you hide and Kenny wants to make out with you or something, fuck.

Also more Gladius people attack. So you run, and Kenny has to get you back or something.

And Gaius is cute and I will probably romance him next, damn the consequences.

So it turns out that the King hasn't actually been searching for some treasure. He's...just been...hanging out at some temple full of treasure for funzies, I guess. Also the Gladius Kingdom caught him. And it didn't make any fucking sense, okay?

Also there's ANOTHER weird subplot where you and Ken think you're brother/sister so you can't be together but no turns out the king just had a stillborn baby boy named Ken and so Ken's dad named him after that stillborn baby because reasons.

And you all live happily ever after I guess.

Also, at the end in the temple fight, for some fucking awkward reason one of the dudes randomly becomes a bishonen in a leather jacket and like, THERE'S NO REASON FOR IT. No one acknowledges him, he's just called Robed Man and he screams a lot and I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S A FUTURE ANTAGONIST BOYFRIEND OR WHAT???

But look -- this version, while Kenny was okay, I just got so pissed at it it just wasn't that fun anymore. And now looking back on it, I wish I'd picked a different knight. So I'll probably do Gaia next week or something, and I imagine I'll enjoy it a lot more.

Your father is low-rest and squished.

You guys kiss at some point.

Here is Robed Man, the mysterious probably future antagonist boyfriend glitch.

Yep.

SCORES

YES I WILL RAISE MY GIANT TWISTED HAND TO YOUR SERVICE

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: : 2. Kenny gets super into kissing your neck at the very end. He says "I don't think I can stop," which would maybe imply sex, except your character is like "I LIKE U KISSING MY NECK" and he is like "nngh yeah gurl" so I guess neck kissing is equivalent to sex? Look, it's chaste as hell.

--

Graphics: 7: Yaoi hands, but forgiven due to Dragon.

Gameplay: 8: It's a dating sim  visual novel what the fuck do you expect? You get 2/3 choices and  that's that.

Story: 3: Too many subplots, plus the whole SHE'S A TRAP!!! subplot pissed me off. 

Fun: 5.  See above.

Overall: 23/40 - 56. F.