A Prince's Proposal: Edward's Line

A Prince's Proposal

I'm pleased that Edward is near the back.

This is a game for ipad, iphone, and who knows what else.

So, I just finished A Prince's Proposal. I went for Prince Edward, Prince of...uh, Charles. Yeah. Charles. Because that's a good Kingdom name, amirite.

Anyway, I chose Edward, because aside from Keith he looked the most like an inhuman abomination:

Let's give him a cleft chin, flush lips, touchable hair...What do
you mean he looks like a horrendous monster?

Look at that. It's like they took "every feature of a male face women like" and threw it all together into one unheimlich, uncanny valley mess! If I saw that face walking up to me down an alley, I'd run screaming for the hills.

More importantly, though, I had three big issues with Edward's storyline.

First: The overuse of the word gentle and its variants. Edward gently walks. Edward has gentle eyes. Edward gently caresses your face. Edward breathes gently. EDWARD IS FUCKING GENTLE OKAY THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT EDWARD THAT ISN'T GENTLE. Also, he constantly calls you "my princess" and "my beautiful flower" and shit and GOD DAMNIT I WANT TO PUNCH HIS FUCKING UNCANNY VALLEY FACE AJKOIWEGJNW

Okay, so that was my biggest complaint. I'm sure someone would like that. Not I.

Second: his story line is fucking stupid. Like, so he takes oyu to a dance because you got mud splashed on you, whatever, whims of the royalty, and then he follows you home and you exchange books and then you meet in a garden and later on he's never seen a tomato grow (YOU HAVE A GARDEN THEY GROW LIKE EVERY OTHER PLANT YOU DUMBASS) also you're a noble but the committee isn't happy with this and the king has more power than the committee but NO THE COMMITTEE HAS MORE POWER THAN THE KING HAHAHAHA what

How to make it better: Edward and his butler Louis should really have eloped. That would have made this about 100x better.

Get a room. Also, don't just wildly select Edward's face
and turn it red with the hue button. That's weird.

Third: Why the fuck didn't I just go have an affair with Roberto?

No, I'm totally serious. Every time something went down, it wasn't Edward who was there for me -- it was fucking ROBERTO.

All the other princes being classist assholes? Who tells them to shut the fuck up? Edward? LOL NO. Roberto does. Walking in the darkness while sobbing? Who picks me up? Edward? LOL NO, ROBERTO DOES. When I'm having problems WHO CALLS EVERYONE AND SORTS MY LIFE OUT? EDWARD!? NO! ROBERT.

Roberto on the left. The inhuman monster on the right
is the Mr. Darcy of our group--Keith.

Roberto also had the benefit of being the only prince to look remotely human so, I give him props for that.

Over all, would I recommend a Prince's Proposal? Fuck no. However, I'm going to try the anime version next, dating Roberto.

Because if anyone deserves a BJ it's Roberto.

SCORES

Each of the below categories is on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the worst, 10 being amazing). Thus the max total for a game is 40 points. "Rating" involves me giving a 0-10 rating depending on how NSFW the game is. 0 would mean it's so chaste there's nothing of the sort that would be even...remotely ...touchable. Or whatever. 10 would mean there's some hardcore raunchy sex. "Rating" is not calculated into the overall score.

NSFW Rating: 2: You know, I honestly can't remember Edward and my heroine even kissing. They kept getting close. But I give this a 2 primarily because there's one instance where our heroine is like "oh my goodness me!!! we have to share a bed!!!" and Edward is like "it's all right, my love, we will not do anything you do not want to do." and there's some gentle hair strokes in there. But they at least allude to sex as a thing that could happen, so. Also, there are some gentle embraces. Lame.

--

Graphics: 1: Do you see those inhuman abominations up there? It's like they were going for realism but fell just short enough to send us careening straight into the uncanny valley.

Gameplay: 4: To be honest, it's a visual novel. When you get them, you get what you pay for -- a lot of text to read and the occasional choice. I just give this so low because sometimes the answers were literally so similar I didn't see much of a difference between them, and because most visual novels at least give you three choices, and this only gave you two.

Story: 4: It was okay, but I've played better dating sims in the past week with better stories that were more well put together and less disjointed.

Fun: 0: The whole time I was literally just complaining and raging at my friends about how awful Edward was and how much I hated Edward and telling them exacatly what was happening in the story and apparently it was obvious I wasn't having any fun because they kept telling me to put it down BUT I SAW IT THROUGH DAMNIT I SAW IT TO THE BITTER "GOOD ENDING" END. I'd normally replay to get the Happy Ending, but fuck that shit.

Overall: 9 / 40

The only picture of Edward that looks human.